March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 January 2011 February 2011 April 2011 November 2011 January 2012 .

So despite it being Father' day today, i woke up this morning with a heavy heart so to speak so ill just jump right into it.

Seems like a girl i been talking to since like Jan. that i thought i was on the same page with.....left me in the dark and now all of a sudden has a boyfriend, ion really wanna go into too much detail but not much really gets to me, but the one thing that will get under my skin is leading me on/leaving me in the dark. its getting kinda redundant for me to be putting it all on the line and getting shit in return but "i ain't mean for it to happen like this". so maybe the nice guy role Ive been playing for the past 23 years of my life has played itself out. maybe the "asshole" role might be a better fit.....

And since today is father's day i was in church with my mama and the whole service was moving, and for the first time since i can recall i been in church it actually got to me, and when i say it got to me...is i actually shed a few tears. only reason it got to me is b/c i had so many thoughts running thru my mind. i don't know my dad, last time i spoke to him was before i graduated high school. didn't have much male influence in my life growing up besides my grandpa but he passed when i was 6 or 7, so i basically been raised by the women in my family. ain't nothing wrong with that but the cliche of it all is "certain things only a man can teach a boy"....well, i ain't have that.

So i started thinking to myself, what if I'm a reflection of my father? if he couldn't even take the time out to reach out to me every once in a while just to see how I'm doing, what makes me think i wouldn't do the same when I'm a father one day? I just feel like i got so much built up pain, sorrow, anguish, even resentment. even right now as I'm typing this I'm fighting to hold back the tears.

Its been a while since I've felt like this but i guess its better to let it out than hold it in as they say. i guess sometimes i just wish i had the chance to spend a lil bit more time with him. no bday cards let alone phone calls.....nothing....i wonder if he even knows I'm still around.

I'm the type to hardly ever show any emotion....but during the song "you are the wind beneath my wings" this morning i guess it just all came up.....

but in the end....all of this has made me the man i am today which is a plus. so i cant be too mad or upset....i just wish....i had that bond with him.....